because they said so.

Response to because they said so.

If  you listen to some popular musical artists, it's okay to cheat.  Pitbull says to forget about your boyfriend and to meet him at the hotel room.  Enrique Iglesias assures his sexual interest that her boyfriend is out of town.  Usher tells a tale about a woman on the dance floor who decided to cheat.  Infidelity is everywhere to the point that it seems acceptable to everyone exept those who are being cheated on.

For a multitude of reasons, I almost fell into infidelity, most regretably so.  A woman attempted to seduce me and for a variety of reasons I damn near went for it.  A few years ago I came out of my shell and found myself able to talk casually with people, inculding those of the opposite sex.  I became increasingly flirty with them to a point that it nearly destroyed my marriage.

Things are okay now, to the best of my knowledge, very okay.  Great, in fact.  But I get the sneaky suspision that this will not last forever.  Not by my doing, I've learned my lesson, almost at the expense of everything I hold dear.  I do fear, however, that my wife will follow the path I once went down.  She's coming out of her shell.  She's becoming increasingly flirty and talking to men.  Overall I am fine with this.  I won't begrudge her a crush, and not just because of my previous actions.  Actually, I think it's kind of hot.  All of these men coming on to her and at the end of the day, she comes home to me.  My greatest fear on the topic is that one day it will click that I'm not much of a catch.  I have some good qualities, but nothing that I would consider truly redeeming.  I'm further fearful that many whom she knows will encourage it, exactly because I acted as I did a year and a half ago.  I don't want her to stop talking to men and opening up, she has every right to male friends and I don't mind a little harmless flirting.  But what happens when she happens across a real catch?  Someone with his shit together, no money worries, no mental disorders, no history of near infidelity.  She'll meet some smooth talker - not player smooth talk, but someone who is immediately in tune with who she is - who will try to convince her that he is the way to security.  Not just financial, but a security that I can no longer provide.  Trust that she will never again have in me, she can find elsewhere.

Will she remember her vows, will she continue to take them more seriously than I have in the past?  I most certainly hope so.  But if she opens up at just the right time, and if someone stumbles on her, knows just how to talk to her, she may just realize how little value I truly have.  I work hard for her, but I have shown her an enormous amount of disrespect.  I don't read, I don't know how I've managed to stimulate her mentally for this long.  I don't believe in a lot of her beliefs, politically speaking, and on the topic of businesses and corporations.  I am so scared that she will find someone who picks up the slack where I fall off.  Someone who's smart, sexy, good in bed, reads for pleasure, doesn't irrationally spend money, makes enough money to spend irrationally should the situation allow.  There is so much that she deserves and doesn't get from me.  There is so much I get from her that I haven't earned.  She is so intelligent, doesn't get swayed by the turning winds, is a good strategist, and holy god she is so ridiculously attractive.  She's a goddess and now she knows it.  She's giving lingering gazes to attractive men, finding out some bit of backstory of others.  She hasn't had a big crush in a while, but she's primed and ready to go down the path that I strayed down a couple of years ago.

And should she realize my shortcomings at the time that this figure comes along, I don't think she will change her mind about it, as I did.  Part of my problem was my mental instability.  She has none.  She is clear-headed and focused.  She acts with intent and calculates reprecussions before acting.

I love her dearly, and though I have some odd fantasies, I can't stand the thought of her leaving me.  I once told her sex is okay, love is not.  But I get the feeling that if this faceless stranger ever comes into the light, love is the direction it will go.

God I hope not.  I hope I'm just being anxious as my doctor tells me I very much am.